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I must say, I think I am still walking on air. I am SO not myself! My God, I think I actually cracked a smile – and HELD it. If Anne could see me now! Or any of my Sisters for that matter. What a night! I would have written sooner, but I was afraid that if I wrote it down it would dissolve the dream and I would find myself back in the cold, harsh reality. I’d rather stay here in the comfort of the illusion.
Saturday Night...Wow. As you may recall, I had decided to go to the club and it was an excellent decision. I wore my tight black leather pants, and a black bra underneath a long-sleeved mesh shirt. I had my hair pulled back in a “messy bun” so that the blond half was sleek and smooth against my head and the black part after the elastic was wrapped in small loops so that the ends stuck up and fell wherever. (You know, that’s the main reason I did my hair like that, half-blonde and half-black so that when I gathered it in an elastic and did all these odd things with my hair, it would look cool like that! Well, that and I have some odd thing for Cruella DeVille, but that’s getting completely off the subject here…)
I was upstairs when I saw her. She was lounging in one of the oversized chairs the club had scattered in the bar area, holding a beer and looking totally out of place. She also looked totally amazing. She looked different tonight than she did the first time I saw her. Perhaps it was because I was seeing her more clearly this time. She is definitely NOT the type of girl I usually go for. Turns out that her hair is a medium brown, but it’s got some dark chestnut and black streaks in it. It falls to about her collarbone, and it’s layered a bit, but not too much. Just enough to frame her face without giving her that “Old Navy Soccer Mom” look. Her eyes are lovely shade of blue and she has some faint freckles across her nose and cheeks. I noticed it more this time because I was a lot closer, and the lights are a bit brighter upstairs. She was dressed in jeans and a white tank top with some white flip flops on her feet and her toes were painted a dark red. She wore little makeup and no jewelry. Her hair and dress were SO out of place in a club like that, yet, she looked completely natural and simply beautiful. She had a rather large tattoo on her back, which actually DID fit the club. I happen to see it that later on in the evening. It’s of angel wings.
When I first came upstairs and saw her, it was like time slowing down. The music and the noise faded around me, and I could see only her. I don’t think I moved at all for a good ten minutes. I swear, it was almost as if a Choir of Angels descended from above singing “Ahhhh!” I felt as though I was at the foot of a Goddess. Heh, I may have to change my views on “God” after this one. She seemed too Divine to be Earthly.
Anyway, as I was saying, she was sitting in an oversized chair. Her knees were pulled up so that she was sitting almost crossed-legged. She looked very comfortable, and I would have thought she was half asleep if it wasn’t for the intense look in her eyes. She saw me watching her, and watched me back. Before I knew what was happening, I was walking over towards her as if someone else were controlling me. I wanted to be so witty, so sly and sexy; I think I ended up coming off like a total dork. I’m *always* sure of myself around everyone! I’ve never had anyone effect me like this before. I think I said something totally stupid, like “So what are you watching up here in this chair?” Her reply was so smooth, so powerful, so quietly and subtly stated. “You.” I could have died right there. Perhaps I did!
She invited me to have a seat on one of the other oversized chairs across from her. I pulled it a little closer so we could have a conversation and we actually talked. Seriously TALKED for hours! I have no idea how many beers we went through, or how long we were there. I couldn’t even tell you for sure what we talked about. All I can remember is the thrill I felt that she was talking to ME. She is so amazing. I’m star-struck.
Her name is
Then again, maybe I’d better wait. I need to get a hold of myself. I’m acting totally retarded and twiterpated. Maybe I should go talk to Anne first, see what she suggests. She’s always good in situations like this and can give me some good advice on how to proceed. I don’t want to be all psycho-obsessive and forward and smother the life out of this one. But I don’t want to sit back and act all cool and have her think I just want to be “friends” either.
All I know is I want her. I want her in all sorts of ways I’ve never wanted anyone before: Intellectually, Emotionally, Spiritually as well as Sexually. I think about talking to her as much as I think about what it would be like to taste those sun-kissed lips.
Ugh! See! Listen to me. I’m totally gone! This is nuts. Seriously NUTS. How can I feel this way about someone I’ve just met? How can I NOT feel this way about her? How could I possibly go on if she never wants to see me again?
This is too much, I’m going to call her. Yes, definitely. I don’t care if it’s a good idea, or a bad idea. I have to see
- Mood:
giddy
I have been having my headaches and blackouts again. It's probably due to the stress of breaking up with Brenda. I wonder if she even knows that I broke up with her. I just never called her again, and didn't answer the phone when she called. I took her out of my cell phone and off of my "friends lists" and removed every trace of her that I could find. Normally I do much, much worse when I break up with someone. But this time, it was as if I just didn't have the energy to bother. Not like she would notice anyway. She never did notice anything outside of herself. It was always about her: what SHE was doing, what SHE wanted to do, what was bothering HER, etc. If you tried to talk about your own problems, you were usually cut off. Or told you were being a Whiney Bitch. Or whatever.
The point is, she crossed the line. The line I told her NEVER to cross with me. Once someone crosses the line, that's it. I just drop them, walk away and don't look back. It has nothing to do with my feelings for them. I could love them or I could hate them and still I would walk away from them. "Whores don't get second chances."
I think I'm going to go to the Club this weekend. I never did get ahold of my Sister, and I was hoping to run into her friend again. Seems like a logical thing to do. If I see her, I see her. If I don't, I don't. Either way, some loud music and colored lights will do my ass some good.
For now, I'm going back to bed.
To Sleep, Perchance to Dream...
- Mood:
tired
So, I called my Girlfriend after my last entry today and asked her if she'd made it to the Market this morning after all. Thinking perhaps we had just crossed paths. She told me she was definately there and had been looking for me and we must have missed each other. I had no reason to doubt her. After all, why lie about something like that? If she would have told me that something came up and she went somewhere else, I wouldnt have thought a thing about it. But to LIE about it?! And why? For what?
So, like an hour ago I get a call from a coffee shop on the opposite side of town, saying they found said Girlfriend's Wallet on their mid-morning shift. They'd been trying to reach the number listed inside, but had been unscucessful. Apparantly she had my number down as an emergency contact. I thanked them and told them I'd let her know.
That fucking bitch. If she's lying to me about something like this - Something small, and insignificant that she would have no reason to hide from me, then what BIG things is she hiding from me as well? It certainly stands to reason that if she is keeping small things from me, then she is keeping big things as well. What else have I been lied to about? What is *really* going on?
I think my suspicions are about to be confirmed. I know its only a matter of time before I catch her lip-locked with someone else. Or worse...
You know what, fuck this. Fuck her.
I'm done.
- Mood:
pissed off
Speaking of Seattle, am I the only one who sees the Space Needle as a giant phallic symbol? Proud and erect, pointing to the sky in masculine defiance. It instills a sense of awe and beauty to those standing below, but I wonder if subconsciously it sends other messages of dominance and power. Perhaps it is just Seattle’s way of telling the rest of the world, “Fuck You!”
In other news, I stopped by the club for a few drinks last night. I met the most interesting guy. Cliché, I know, but it wasn’t like that. I guess he’s a friend of my sister, Maggie. He recognized me from some pictures she had or something, I don’t know. But he did know who I was. I didn’t speak with him for long, he was waiting for his sister who showed up just minutes into our conversation. More remarkable than this friend of my sisters, was his own sister. She literally took my breath away, like time standing still. She had very long dark, I would wager black (though in the lighting of club, one is never quite sure…) hair and brilliant blue eyes. She seemed to glide into the room and sat next to him as if she were made of air. I watched her light up a cigarette, slowly, languidly drawing in her breaths in an almost sensual way. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t even move. I’ve never had anyone affect me like that before.
I wonder if I shall ever see them again. Perhaps I should give Maggie a call, and see what she has been up to.
Oh, don’t look at me like that. SHE isn’t the only reason I want to talk to my Sister. Just a very good one. Besides, Anne (my eldest sister) was bugging me about talking to the rest of the clan when I went to see her yesterday. I guess no one has heard from Meredith in awhile. (Just to catch you up to speed, there are six of us sisters; Anne, Maggie, Merideth, Cordelia Clara and Myself) So I may as well go talk to Maggie this afternoon. After all, I’m already up. I think I’ll go take another shower though, see if I can get rid of this fishy smell.
- Mood:
curious
It's winter in the city. On days like today the towering glass monuments sway ever so slightly in the harsh winds that tear through the avenues. Looking up at them beneath the gray and somber sky, one tends to feel the vast emptiness of it all. I rather like the city though; the cold and sterile harshness of it, the greed, the corruption, the filth, the very essence of humanity itself. Once you remove yourself from the city, you tend to reconnect with nature and lose touch with what truly exists in the hearts of man.
I was an innocent once. Youthful, hopeful, naive. Then a man came along. Or rather, a shell of a man. He was filled with anger and hatred towards women and I became the catalyst of all that he despised. I paid a dear price. It's safe to say I don't care for men anymore. Over the years, I've met a few who were the exception to the rule, men who were Real Men, and I found that perhaps one day I may change my mind towards them. But even now, I don't care for women much either. I had a girlfriend, I guess you can say I still have her. But she is so busy with work and her other friends that she never has time for me anymore. Somedays I feel like an after-thought. I don't believe that I was ever meant to be truly happy in love.
I went to see my eldest Sister today. I love pissing her off. She thinks she's so special just because she is "in charge" of us. She is no better than I and all of her money and sucess and power can't change the fact that she is just as lost as I am. She doesn't love anyone but herself. Then again, at least she has herself to love. I don't love anyone any more than they love me.
Fuck the World, Fuck them All.
I don't need them.
All I need is a bottle of Rum, a pack of smokes, some loud music and people to leave me the fuck alone.
- Mood: cranky
